i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
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At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”