At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.