If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726