ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?