Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.