DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whoa 😂
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.