I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Actually cracking up @ this
Is this a threat?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook