Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
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We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
peak technology
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air