Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!