Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.