Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.