No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I need better friends
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Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.