the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.