Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
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I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Come back with a warrant
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Who’s your best friend?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that