My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
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Truth
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.