Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”