Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My life coach traded me.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.