Get off my horse you stupid moon
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I saw this ending much differently.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.