Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.