Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
This did not end as expected.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago