@dumbbeezie I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
@cupcakelynda A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
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@dumbbeezie 
@kathwilliamsuk Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
@i_zzzzzz I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
@kariassad The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
@_NinJar I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
@kevinseccia I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
@wakeupangry Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
@Zombieionism Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
@huntigula *Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
@joeislamo Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.