A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano


I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes


The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks


I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket


I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.


*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*


Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.