You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
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Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
2022 will be better than 2021
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!