Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’