Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
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lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.