Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You Might Also Like
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
a lot to unpack here
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.