Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.