Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.