going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
How to draw a duck
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
rise and shine we got egg
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.