My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
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So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.