Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.