This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
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I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.