Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better