if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”