Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
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me working on my assignments ^-^
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
<—- homeless romantic
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go