My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My wedding will be open casket.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
#gardening
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement