My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
