I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

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[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids


Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym


When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.


Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*


This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.


read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of


Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive


Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.