@ShortSleeveSuit [family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
@CrockettForReal I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
You Might Also Like
@ShortSleeveSuit 
@osoplain Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
@SCbchbum When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
@TheAlexNevil This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
@deathoftheparty read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
@Heatinblack For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
@Pundamentalism Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
@Robert_Beau I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
@WetMascara Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.