manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

You Might Also Like


My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie


I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.


If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.


Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.


ME: Let’s go get some chicks


FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe


My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!


[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”