My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
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I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Don’t talk down to me
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Cop: Get out.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”