manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
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I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
welp
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.