Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice