[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.