Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
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My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
The smoothest fall of all time
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Need this in my life lol