[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
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I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo