Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
i choose….tongue
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Never forget.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Nice try, poison.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.