Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Oh, I bet you would be
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?