My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
guys i’ve cracked the code
my dad has had enough
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune