“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
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[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money