Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I鈥檓 wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won鈥檛 ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that鈥檒l be $18.50
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 馃槉馃槉馃槉
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I鈥檇 asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
It鈥檚 taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don鈥檛 believe that lie about myself
If you鈥檝e already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 馃惄 馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I鈥檓 not good at putting on lipstick.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don鈥檛 I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it