TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
If I ignore life will it go away?