women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
You Might Also Like
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
“I wouldn’t.”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English