I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
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Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”