My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
If you breakdance you buy dance.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.